justfabrications (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
justfabrications) wrote2010-05-10 09:27 pm
justfabrications) wrote2010-05-10 09:27 pm
Entry tags:
018
this is one of those i-have-so-much-shit-to-do-but-i-simply-must-write-this-down-before-i-forget-or-feel-disinclined-to posts. fyi i have no idea why i'm updating DW instead of LJ. this probably marks a new beginning or something. but anyway.
i was sitting on the shuttle today, on the way home, when had a sort of epiphany. i was thinking about china, and going back and visiting, and thinking about my grandparents in particular. this thinking gradually spread to thinking about life and death, and about how i still really miss grandmother (on my mom's side). it's been several years already, but i still remember the first time i visited her grave. i'm not sure why i remember this scene so clearly, as if from a movie, but i do. it was a beautiful, peaceful place. what struck me was the sheer amount of gravestones there, almost undermining the one the mattered (to me). there was such a lack of... humanity. i'm not sure how to describe it, but everything just felt the same, like my grandmother was just one of a million, instead of one in a million. when we reached my grandmother's grave, i scanned the words on the headstone briefly, fixated on her name, inscribed on the marble in chinese, then pulled my eyes away. while everyone paid their respects and stood silently in front of her grave, occasionally exchanging thoughts in soft voices, all i could do was stare at the giant ants on the ground, crawling in-between cracks and across ledges. china has gigantic ants, i thought.
on the way home, i couldn't stop the tears from coming and had to turn towards the car window so my mom wouldn't see. she was sitting in the back with me, and she had sunglasses on. i tried as inconspicuously as possible to wipe away my tears, and after that glanced at my mom. she smiled at me brightly as a waning sunlight reflected across her sunglasses. i could see tear trails on her cheeks, but she didn't acknowledge it, only reached across the seat to grasp my hand. "she wouldn't want you to be sad, you know." i knew, and nodded. but i also knew that was more to reassure herself than me.
this scene's replayed itself over and over inside my head for years now. usually, i don't think about it much since it doesn't do to dread on the past, but occasionally, i remember, and the scenes flash through my mind frame after frame, crystal clear as if it had just happened yesterday. sitting on the shuttle, watching the greek houses of arroyo vista pass by, i came to a conclusion about my future career hindrances. i know this sounds ridiculous, but hear me out.
what's stopping me from medical school isn't just the long years of hard work that i might not find satisfaction in. it's also the lack of humanity i might end up facing. like all those gravestones that succumb to a lack of meaning, maybe a doctor's patients have the same fate in his mind. being a physician almost feels like reducing someone to bits and pieces of science. there is no humanity left when faced with so many people who come and go, who may hang in the moment between life and death, who may touch you so personally and leave so suddenly. i don't think i could deal with all of that. people become faceless after awhile, and all that remains is the shell of a job. this is what's wrong with you and this is how we fix it. there is no discrimination in medical studies, no one cares about your background or your family or how you make a living. all we know of you is your medical record, printed on 8 by 11 paper in a plain yellow folder. you are nothing but statistics and symptoms, a present because of your past. what makes people human doesn't matter anymore now, because all we want to know is how your body, a biological machine, is working. or in this case, malfunctioning.
i can't get over this kind of thought. i know there are so many different aspects to medicine, and so many good things about it too. we're helping people lead better and healthier lives, but the only way to do it (in western med, at least) is to reduce people to machines and solve them through algorithms. this one phrase, this one idea is what's holding me back. i love the science, i'll study it and research it and find out as much as i can, as long as i don't have to face the people who are subject to our science. it's a terrible thing to say, and it sounds even more terrible reading it (i just reread that sentence. ugh.) but i think that's what i've felt all along, albeit unconsciously. i don't think i can go to med school, and quite frankly, i don't think i want to. maybe partly it's because i do believe (somewhat) in chinese medicine and that twigs and leaves and random dried fungi can fix you over time... but mostly, it's because i can't look at a person and see a machine. people are... people. there is something spiritual and soulful about people that i can't describe. i'm probably weird for thinking this way, but going to med school and potentially becoming a doctor TERRIFIES me. that idea that i'd have to face people and help them by "fixing" them without any personal attachments... i can't do that.
yeah. all this occurred to me on that 10 minute ride back from school, hahaha! and i'm probably one of the weird bio kids who think like this, but i truly... can't get my head around it. or my heart, for that matter. ew, that sounds so corny. last time i'm saying that. but anyway, the point is, i realize there are a lot of arguable points to what i just said, and yes, i do see them and have considered them. no, i don't hate science/doctors (in fact i think med students are amazing <3). i do, however, believe that i most likely won't make it through med school. not out of academic failure, but probably personal failure. hahaha that sounds so pathetic.
but yeah. i needed to get that out badly. and now that i have, i'm gonna go back to studying. fucking bio midterms on the same fucking day. again. fml.
i was sitting on the shuttle today, on the way home, when had a sort of epiphany. i was thinking about china, and going back and visiting, and thinking about my grandparents in particular. this thinking gradually spread to thinking about life and death, and about how i still really miss grandmother (on my mom's side). it's been several years already, but i still remember the first time i visited her grave. i'm not sure why i remember this scene so clearly, as if from a movie, but i do. it was a beautiful, peaceful place. what struck me was the sheer amount of gravestones there, almost undermining the one the mattered (to me). there was such a lack of... humanity. i'm not sure how to describe it, but everything just felt the same, like my grandmother was just one of a million, instead of one in a million. when we reached my grandmother's grave, i scanned the words on the headstone briefly, fixated on her name, inscribed on the marble in chinese, then pulled my eyes away. while everyone paid their respects and stood silently in front of her grave, occasionally exchanging thoughts in soft voices, all i could do was stare at the giant ants on the ground, crawling in-between cracks and across ledges. china has gigantic ants, i thought.
on the way home, i couldn't stop the tears from coming and had to turn towards the car window so my mom wouldn't see. she was sitting in the back with me, and she had sunglasses on. i tried as inconspicuously as possible to wipe away my tears, and after that glanced at my mom. she smiled at me brightly as a waning sunlight reflected across her sunglasses. i could see tear trails on her cheeks, but she didn't acknowledge it, only reached across the seat to grasp my hand. "she wouldn't want you to be sad, you know." i knew, and nodded. but i also knew that was more to reassure herself than me.
this scene's replayed itself over and over inside my head for years now. usually, i don't think about it much since it doesn't do to dread on the past, but occasionally, i remember, and the scenes flash through my mind frame after frame, crystal clear as if it had just happened yesterday. sitting on the shuttle, watching the greek houses of arroyo vista pass by, i came to a conclusion about my future career hindrances. i know this sounds ridiculous, but hear me out.
what's stopping me from medical school isn't just the long years of hard work that i might not find satisfaction in. it's also the lack of humanity i might end up facing. like all those gravestones that succumb to a lack of meaning, maybe a doctor's patients have the same fate in his mind. being a physician almost feels like reducing someone to bits and pieces of science. there is no humanity left when faced with so many people who come and go, who may hang in the moment between life and death, who may touch you so personally and leave so suddenly. i don't think i could deal with all of that. people become faceless after awhile, and all that remains is the shell of a job. this is what's wrong with you and this is how we fix it. there is no discrimination in medical studies, no one cares about your background or your family or how you make a living. all we know of you is your medical record, printed on 8 by 11 paper in a plain yellow folder. you are nothing but statistics and symptoms, a present because of your past. what makes people human doesn't matter anymore now, because all we want to know is how your body, a biological machine, is working. or in this case, malfunctioning.
i can't get over this kind of thought. i know there are so many different aspects to medicine, and so many good things about it too. we're helping people lead better and healthier lives, but the only way to do it (in western med, at least) is to reduce people to machines and solve them through algorithms. this one phrase, this one idea is what's holding me back. i love the science, i'll study it and research it and find out as much as i can, as long as i don't have to face the people who are subject to our science. it's a terrible thing to say, and it sounds even more terrible reading it (i just reread that sentence. ugh.) but i think that's what i've felt all along, albeit unconsciously. i don't think i can go to med school, and quite frankly, i don't think i want to. maybe partly it's because i do believe (somewhat) in chinese medicine and that twigs and leaves and random dried fungi can fix you over time... but mostly, it's because i can't look at a person and see a machine. people are... people. there is something spiritual and soulful about people that i can't describe. i'm probably weird for thinking this way, but going to med school and potentially becoming a doctor TERRIFIES me. that idea that i'd have to face people and help them by "fixing" them without any personal attachments... i can't do that.
yeah. all this occurred to me on that 10 minute ride back from school, hahaha! and i'm probably one of the weird bio kids who think like this, but i truly... can't get my head around it. or my heart, for that matter. ew, that sounds so corny. last time i'm saying that. but anyway, the point is, i realize there are a lot of arguable points to what i just said, and yes, i do see them and have considered them. no, i don't hate science/doctors (in fact i think med students are amazing <3). i do, however, believe that i most likely won't make it through med school. not out of academic failure, but probably personal failure. hahaha that sounds so pathetic.
but yeah. i needed to get that out badly. and now that i have, i'm gonna go back to studying. fucking bio midterms on the same fucking day. again. fml.